The signs as…

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This month your favourite astrology expert brings you the Zodiac signs as famous Dutch stereotypes/things! This of course because you, as an international and (temporary) resident in the Netherlands, are very interested in Dutch culture and are just dying to know what kind of typically Dutch thing you, as a unique little snowflake, can identify with.

And if you’re Dutch, obviously you’re interested in this months amazing Zodiac because even though you already know what typical Dutch thing you identify most with, you want to make sure your presumptions are correct.

Without further ado, I present you this months totally accurate Zodiac (note: might not be totally accurate).

Aries: The buttplug gnome. One of Rotterdam’s finest monuments, it’s sophistication and grace are ahead of its time. This peculiar statue in the center of Rotterdam is unique, stands out, and is always the center of attention.. just like you!

Taurus: You’re tall. Very tall. If you’re reading this and you’re Dutch, of course this is no suprise to you. After all, every single Dutch person is at least 3 meters tall.

At least you’re using your tallness super-powers for good… Like feeding orphan birds in trees and fetching high placed objects for the internationals. Advice: try not to look down on people (and don’t bump your head so often).

Gemini: Half man, half bicycle. You are the ultimate life-form. Optimus Prime has tried to recruit you countless of times, but you’re busy doing other stuff. Like avoiding cars and ringing your bell at human-cellphone hybrids.

Life is dangerous for you, but you make the most of it. At least you’re in great shape, or getting there at this rate!

Cancer: Jenever, or Dutch gin. You friends are party animals and can go all night, they’re more like beer. But you are wonderful company in a more quiet, sophisticated scene. Your unique personality really shines through at room temperature, with a nice old cheese and some dried sausage.

Leo: Orange everything! You drink OJ for breakfast, snack on carrots for luch and eat egg yolks for dinner. Although there’s nothing wrong with this, the stars are telling me you should watch out. This much carotene intake could really orange-up your complexion! Although this is fine if you’re working on your outfit for Kingsday later this month.

Virgo: Liquorice. Literally nobody likes you. Except Dutch people! And your friends and family I hope, but I heard some mean gossip about you last Tuesday.. TRUST NO ONE.

Libra: Nijntje/Miffy.  You’re absolutely adorable and good with kids! Everybody likes you, young and old. Be a dear and try to cheer up poor Virgo, they seem a bit paranoid lately.

Scorpio: You’re a tulip. A beautiful flower that once sprouted from the earth out of a dirty, gross little bulb. People have waged war for your beauty and you’re worth quite a lot of money, but you’re priceless to me my dear scorpio.

Sagittarius: You’re a windmill. When people think of Holland people think of you, in fact people always think about you. It’s a bit creepy actually..

Capricorn: You’re a cheepskate. Sure, some people might laugh behind your back and feel vicarious shame when you’re haggling about 10 cents with the cashier at the Albert Heijn, but I think you got character! You’re a go-getter, got perseverence, and don’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

Aquarius: You’re a pot smoker. Your thoughts are crazy, you laugh about everything, your eyes are bloodshot and you’re always hungry.. and that’s when you haven’t even smoked yet!

Advice: try to wear green more often, it’s definitely your color. Oh and, 420 blaze it (or whatever the hip kids say nowadays).

Pisces: You live under the sea. If you’re Dutch, chances are you’ve lived there your whole life! It is common knowledge, as we’re taught in grade-school, that about half of the country is in fact situated under water, here’s where the mere-people live. Fun-fact: Amsterdam used to be known as ‘Atlantis’.

By Mijntje Boon

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