Why I gave up my perfect little student life for nothing.
Here I am, sitting behind my desk, in my room in my parents house, thinking. Thinking of all the things I’ve done in the past few weeks. I can’t tell you exactly what happened, but it has been pretty dramatic.
After december passed, I never felt so extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I kept glazing all day and finding myself lost in my thoughts, at the lectures and at work behind the tills. I couldn’t quit hear what anyone was saying. I was just sort of playing along, not really putting in effort to listen to anyone (which resulted to miscommunication; to whoever I completely ignored, it’s me, not you).
So after bearing with my thoughts for a month, I woke up on the most regular tuesday ever and decided: I AM TIRED OF THIS SHIT. And that’s really how things went down. On that day, I quit my job (the one I died to have), I’ve cut off all of the toxic people in my life and finally cleared up my email, faced my bills and told everyone the truth.
So here I am, nineteen-year-old student sitting behind my desk. For some reason, I feel empty, but in a satisfying way. It’s almost like all the things that I have put in so much effort in, are gone in the wind. And I will never have them back. For a second it makes me feel like I did everything for nothing. But you know what they say, everything happens for a reason.
It will always be hard to let go. It will always be hard to remove yourself from a place of comfort and patterns. That’s why I won’t lie to you: it is extremely hard to lose control over your life. As a perfectionist, this is like handing in a group-assignment without checking your partners on typo’s. It is like wearing two different socks. It is like that moment someone messages you, you reply and they don’t message back. That’s how this feels. But somewhere deep inside it feels incredibly good. Because you know when you made the right decision; if you did it for your own well-being.
You are human and you deserve to live the life you want. We tend to get caught up in our comfort-zone, because at one point in your life, that was all you ever needed. But as time goes on you change and so will your surroundings change and so will your wants and needs change. It’s always good to stay on the safe side. The side where you are comfortable and you’ve got it all together but it is necessary to leave that place at one point. Because how are you going to grow, staying on the same spot, for the rest of your life?
As I walk downstairs to get some food, I look at the pictures on the walls. One picture particularly stands out; it’s me as a kid, showing off my new bike. It reminded me of how badly I wanted that bike. For every celebration, I would save up all the money I received. After I saved up and got my bike I used it for about a year until I wanted another one. Ironic.
Just because something really made you happy at one point in your life, doesn’t mean it will satisfy you for the rest of your life. This works for every aspect in our life: relationships, family, materialistic stuff – nothing is permanent. When I heard this quote for the first time, I immediately felt discomfort. I thought of my parents and my friends, who I have shared many good times with, but also some materialistic items I am very attached to. I don’t want to let go of any of these things!
Now I am standing in the kitchen. Looking at my empty plate, which was filled with delicious pie. I realise – the things that made you happy in the past, can still make you happy in the present. Letting go doesn’t mean it is forgotten. Letting go means losing control and being fine with it.
By Elika Rahimzadeh